In fact, many courts say that a second parent has no rights regarding the child of a partner, even if the second parent has spent years helping with homework, patching up scrapes, and giving and receiving unconditional love. At worst, the second parent may be treated by the courts as a stranger, giving the legal parent an absolute right to deny all future contact between the ex and the child.

A handful of courts take the opposite view, awarding visitation to a nonlegal parent after finding the second parent to be such a critical part of the child's life that it would be wrong not to grant at least some continuing contact with the child. These courts may call the second parent a "de facto parent" or "psychological parents," meaning that the parent has lived with the child and fulfilled every responsibility and aspect of nurturing and discipline such that the only tie not satisfied is the legal or biological one.

In addition to looking at the reality of the parent-child relationship in these situations, courts may consider the following factors in the relationship between the child and the nonlegal parent:

• the length of the relationship between the adults, and whether they and the child lived together
• the intentions of both partners to parent together and what steps, if any, were taken to ensure that joint parenting would take place, and
• any co-parenting agreements or other documents regarding the child that had both partners listed as parents, such as birth announcements.

Make a Parenting Agreement

If you've committed to joint parenting but can't adopt (or choose not to), the first thing you should do is write up a parenting agreement. The agreement should specify that, although only one of you is the legal parent, you both consider yourselves parents of your child, with all the rights and responsibilities that come with parenting. Include language that clearly states your intentions to continue co-parenting even if you end your relationship.

It's also wise to go further and cover financial issues, as well as the legal parent's intention to provide the second parent with generous visitation, access to school and social events, and so forth, in the case of a break-up.

If the unfortunate does occur and you split up, honor your agreement. You've both agreed to co-parent without the legal advantages and protections of adoption, so it's up to both of you to put your differences aside and make your child's needs a priority. If you can't resolve the issues amicably, you must take your chances with your state's court system. The outcome of such a battle is anything but certain.

To learn more about same-sex partners' legal rights, see A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples, by Attorneys Denis Clifford, Frederick Hertz, & Emily Doskow (Nolo).