Ten Tips for Dads after Divorce: Birthdays and Holidays
by Attorney Emily Doskow
Dealing with special occasions after divorce can be especially tricky.
When you're sharing custody after a divorce, birthdays and holidays can be tough, especially in the early days. But take heart. As each year passes, you and your family will become more comfortable with the new family structure and will create new rituals and ways to enjoy special times together.
Some families choose to spend holidays all together, even after the divorce. Usually this doesn't happen right away, but after a few years and time for healing, some parents are able to put aside their differences and enjoy time spent together with their kids. Some even blend in new partners and children.
First, after you and your wife separate, you should make a basic parenting agreement. Make sure your parenting agreement covers where the kids will spend birthdays and holidays and how the two of you will negotiate any changes. Without a plan, you leave a lot of room open for arguments with your ex -- and disappointments for your kids. Here are some other tips for making birthdays and holidays pleasant for everyone concerned.
1. Be Flexible
Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid's needs.
For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is "officially."
2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead
Always keep in mind that your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. Give your children's mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.
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