Deciding to Proceed with a Divorce
As discussed in the opening section of this chapter, the process of deciding whether to divorce can be filled with ambivalence and anxiety. When the decision to divorce is reached, however, it also can be a time of relief.
Barry Lubetkin and Elena Oumano wrote a book on the psychological aspects of divorce called Bailing Out (Fireside Books 1993). Early in the book they comment, "'[B]ailing out' when you know your relationship is no longer viable can be one of the most affirmative, liberating acts of one's life. Bailing out can be a wonderful growth experience if you use this period of your life as a time to explore, discover, and evaluate beliefs that have determined your behavior. . . .The irrefutable fact is that staying with someone in a miserable or indifferent relationship, whether in a marriage or a live-in situation, erodes your self esteem."
Ann Landers echoed part of that view in The Ann Landers Encyclopedia A to Z : "Life is too precious to waste years in a joyless marriage--or, worse yet, in a miserable one."
When you have decided to divorce (or have a strong inclination to divorce), a question of timing may remain: When do you announce the decision or take additional steps such as separating or filing a legal action? The answer lies in balancing the stresses of maintaining the status quo versus the benefits of waiting.
Sometimes it is best to wait. If you are feeling emotionally spent and do not have plans on how to proceed, it may be useful to pause while building emotional energy and planning the next phase of your life. Steps to take include:
- deciding where you want to live;
- figuring out options on custody if you have children;
- determining if changes related to employment are likely to be necessary
- planning a budget (or range of budgets, depending on how the divorce proceeds);
- lining up a lawyer if one is necessary; and
- cementing ties with friends, family, and other support networks during your time of transition.
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Guide to Family Law
Copyright © 1996, 2000 American Bar Association
